Sunday, December 1, 2013

; Doubts

HELLO!!!!!!! It's been awhile since, I came here. It's kinda odd as I felt like talking to someone again. Well, every time when I blog, is the time when I felt like talking to someone. There are so much in my head right now, EVEN I've just completed most of my final submission. Well, waiting for my final examination tho. People who knows me should know final examination, final submission and all would not bother me much. Not even interview which I am going to have tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, 'big boy already, time to work'. HAHAHAH...

So what's really bothering me right now is I, me, myself.... and GOD. Christianity, I meant. I am not doubting God, or maybe I am. With Him, I've done so much, compared to last time. But, there are still pain in me stop sinning like smoking. No way, I could stop smoking just a snap of fingers.

I got sick when I stopped literally for few days.
I don't feel comfortable at all with myself, with anyone.
My anger increases.

Well, God perform miracles.
I survived everything. There are still time when I start having so much eager to sin. All I did was just pray and I don't wanna think about it. The addiction is too strong. I'm still believing that there is no temptation stronger than God.

But what's bothering me?
What's the whole point?

What's bothering me is, what if... what if everything is just a dream? What if however I'm feeling is just what I imagine? What if, whatever happened is just coincidence? I don't know. If everything is what I just mentioned, why would I waste my time torturing myself.

Lord, I pray, you'll just speak to me, just annoy me with your spirit, throw away all the evil spirit in my mind. Clear my mind, Father. Lord, I thank You for making me believe You even more.

Great things happened to me, might be called as testimony. I've a friend named Joyce. She never feel comfortable going to church. She never feel comfortable when people asked her to go church. So, I told her, for God, you should be feeling comfortable as He is a welcoming God. His hand always opened up, whether you ditched Him before, you betrayed Him before or not, He is a forgiving, with an open heart God that will forgive whatever you've done. I told her, I used to go CF alone, I used to go to camp alone, I used to go to church alone. Weeks later, she told me, Im very inspiring and motivating. If I can do this, why can't she?

It's something I really wanna do all the time. Help people, inspire people, motivate people. I have never felt so successful before. Lord, I pray you'll just continue to use me more. Allow me to have more testimony to people around me. Allow me to show them who You really are. Allow me to be part of your soldier one day. Not a physical soldier, but the spiritual soldier, to fight against the evil spirit, Father. I pray Lord, you'll continue to use me everywhere. Make me feel better one day, soften my heart that have been hardened with misery, clear off all the doubts in my mind Lord. Thank You, Jesus.

I'm just gonna continue believing in Him. 

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